In a surprise announcement, Harvard University President Drew Faust declares that she is turning her attention to making sure the school’s football team wins a national championship within five years.
Massachusetts Republican Governor, Charlie Baker, a Harvard alum, joined President Faust for the announcement.
“We have never had a national champion in football since we opened our doors in 1636,” said Faust, “and it is time for that to change.” She continued, “As the first female president of this great school I am determined that we continue to set our goals high. So why not in football?”
Faust told news media that she fully understands the challenges that lie ahead. For instance, the university does not offer athletic scholarships to football players, their 107-year-old stadium only seats 30,323 and the public can buy football tickets for $20 each.
Governor Baker revealed that the key to their plan is to copy the football program at the University of Alabama. “They have the number one football program in the country, so why not do everything they do?”
Baker also said that he is weary of attending national governors conferences and having to listen to his Republican colleague, Alabama Governor Robert Bentley brag about having the best football team in the country. And Baker admitted that when he learned that Governor Bentley hired an attorney from Massachusetts to be Alabama’s state public school superintendent because the Bay State has the country’s top public school system he decided his alma mater could do the same in football.
“I know that the University of Alabama pays their head coach $7 million a year, has a stadium that seats over 100,000 fans, gives full ride scholarships to some of the best football players in the country and has a huge athletic budget, none of which Harvard does, but this should not be any more of a problem than Alabama competing with Massachusetts to be number one in public education.”
“Here we spend $5,000 more a year on each public school student, have some of the highest teacher salaries in the country, have a very strong teacher union and have far fewer poverty students than Alabama does, but if they can compete with us in public education when the deck is stacked decidedly against them, why can’t we do the same in college football?”
“So if you don’t need money to compete in public education, the same must be true in football,” said Baker.
President Faust stated that Harvard had already started the process by hiring former University of Alabama football coach Mike Price. (Price was hired by the University of Alabama in December, 2002 and fired in May, 2003 for indiscretions.) “While it is true that Coach Price actually never coached a game at the University,” said Faust, “he did go through one spring training with their team and visited the Paul W. Bryant Museum on several occasions. We think he is just the man for the job.”
Faust also pointed out that while her university’s team is known as the Harvard Crimson, the University of Alabama is Crimson and White. A handout provided by Faust shows that Harvard alumni include 74 Nobel Peace Prize winners, 126 Pulitzer Prize winners, eight U.S. presidents, 19 justices of the U.S. Supreme Court, 90 governors, 118 U.S. senators, 373 members of the U.S. congress and six National Football League players. Alumni also include Bill O’Reilly of Fox News and mass-murderer Amy Bishop.
Baker added that while he has been to the White House many times, he looks forward to going when the Harvard football team is recognized for being the best team in the land. “Nobel Peace Prizes are OK,” concluded Baker, “but I’m ready to hear the Harvard fight song in the Oval Office.”
Editor’s note: Obviously the above is not true–except for its message.